Author: Heidi Lee (Page 96 of 96)

Ok, this has little or nothing to do with food. It is just for fun. The Fabulous FaceBook Femme is a real person who gives the greatest status updates on FaceBook. She is quite a character and we love her, so from time to time, we are going to share her updates with you. Some can be racy so read at your own risk and enjoy!

The Fabulous FaceBook Femme says:

Most Recent:

• I live by my own rules…that my husband has reviewed, revised, and then approved…BUT STILL MY OWN RULES!
• Air Freshener: Because there is no louder way of telling the whole house you’ve just taken a poop.
• As a non-smoker, “Thank You for Not Smoking” signs make me want to be thanked for other crap I’m not doing.
• I just got a letter from one of those traffic light cameras. No ticket; just a picture of me with the caption “Nice boobs.”
• I’m updating my Facebook status in the car. Don’t worry though, I’m in the passenger seat….which makes it harder to drive, but it fools the cops.
• Husband in office: “My computer just went down on me!”. Me in Kitchen: “Which button did you press to get that?”
• One of my biggest fears is that someone will actually take my posts seriously and call the cops, who will inevitably find my torture chamber for stupid people, stash of plutonium, and Star Wars action figure collection.
• Just once when the trainer asks one of the background people in the workout video how they are doing, I want them to respond with: “I’m exhausted…you freakin’ lunatic!”
• We should probably drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight…so we can drive home in the morning.
• I sent a text to my parents this morning, and my phone autocorrected “Wish you were here” to “Wish you were beer”….I sent it anyway.
• Okay, whoever said men aren’t capable of multiple orgasms has obviously never watched a weatherman report on an approaching hurricane…

Previous:

• I always feel a little guilty when I swallow my multi-vitamin with beer.
• This morning I noticed that my ironing board cover was wrinkled…I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word “iron” in it.
• The voices in my head must be almost out of beer cause I can kinda understand them…
• It’s not pretty being easy….
• I only seem to hate the people checking out in front of me at the grocery store…Everyone behind me is cool.
• Ya know, the weekend is kind of like a bad boyfriend…it finishes too quickly and then you don’t hear from it for a week.
• WARNING: If you can read this, then you are too close to procrastinating.
• The speed in which a woman says “nothing” when asked “what’s wrong” is usually inversely proportional to the severity of the shitstorm that’s about to hit…
• When my GPS tells me my “Estimated Arrival Time”, I always see “Time to Beat”.
• Life is too short to be serious all the time. So, if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me…I’ll laugh at you.
• Hamburger Helper only works, if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
• I hate when I’m laughing and my ass falls off

Okay…who do I have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!

Ugh…I just got called “M’am”. That word always makes me feel old…unless it’s followed by, “we’re going to have to ask you to leave”.

So do birds get mad when other birds crap in the bird bath? Maybe they’re like, “Dude, what the hell? That is NOT okay! There is a car RIGHT THERE!”.  

Wanna make someone feel at home? After shaking their hand, slowly lift your hand to your nose and say, “Mmmm.” 

This oatmeal tastes just like bacon…probably because I threw it away and am now eating BACON. 

If you ever see me drinking a Bud Light Lime, I have been kidnapped and am trying to signal for help.

Remember: Never assume anything but the position.

A science lesson from my 8 yr old: “If you smell my fart, that means molecules from my butt are in your nose.”

So…red or white wine with Hamburger Helper?

People who say I’m hard to shop for evidently don’t know where to buy beer.   

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me if I was bad at math, I’d have $0.62 cents.

has status electricity…if you get too close, there may be status friction and you’ll get status shock.

In addition to Casual Friday, I propose the following: Punch a Coworker Monday, No Pants Tuesday, Drunk At Work Wednesday, and Call In Sick Thursday.

Alright, when I say your name, you say “here”. And we will assume “here” is short for “here I am…rock you like a hurricane”.

thinks that LOVE is all you need. Except for some people. They need a kick in the butt… AND love.

wishes mosquitos sucked fat instead of blood.

asked 100 men which shampoo they preferred, and the most popular answer was: “How the %#@ did you get in here?”

thinks that this day would have started off better, if someone had brought her breakfast in bed. Something like waffles….or a shot of tequila.

Of course I’m out of my mind….it’s dark and scary in there.

If I’m not back by Monday, please tell Search and Rescue to follow the clothes and beer bottles.

My centerfold turn-ons… beer, hot dogs, and long blackouts on the beach.

is going to her dentist for her biannual cavity search… what?

You know it’s a dumb question, when the answer you get is, “It’s a good thing you’re pretty,”… thanks Dad.

Tip of the Day: If someone asks you if you “have a sec”, and you answer “I have lots of sex”, they will forget their original question.

wonders why technologically challenged are drawn like moths to a flame  towards the Self-Check Out lanes at the grocery store.

thinks the preferred answer to the question- “Isn’t it a bit early to start drinking?” – should be – “It seems a bit late to be sober”.

It goes in dry, it comes out wet. The longer it stays in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and it starts to sag. It’s a Tetley’s Tea Bag!

People accuse me of being overly competitive, but I’m not. I’m the most non-competitive person in the world. No one even comes close.

What did the egg say to the water? You get hot, I’ll get hard, we’ll be done in 3 minutes.

Only YOU can prevent forest fires…which is good, because I’ve got s$%t to do.

stumbled into bed late last night ready for lovin’. “You’re drunk,” he whipered…”Also, you live next door.”

is going out to meet some of her favorite men…Bud, Jose, Jack D, and the Captain. Who she choses to spend the night with will be decided later.

thinks that Facebook has saved her from a terrifying “keeping her thoughts to herself” addiction.

Thinks, if you have trouble tying knots, handcuffs make the perfect gift.

thinks that some of you make impulsive, poorly thought-out decisions….we should hang out more.

thinks Oscar Mayer needs to change the labeling on their bacon packages to read, “Excellent Source Of Hangover Cure”.

is pretty tired of these kids running lemonade stands acting like they’ve never even heard of vodka before..

hates when signs tell her “Wrong Way”….how do they know where I’m going?!

heard thunder yesterday and it wasn’t raining…Stevie Nicks knows crap about meteorology.

thinks “patience” is what parents have when there are witnesses….

is now available with kung fu grip!

is starting group meetings at her house for people with OCD…if anyone feels the urge to tidy up, by all means go ahead.

is not bipolar….she doesn’t even like bears.

hates when her cat thinks outside the box.

transferred organic stickers from the apples & put them on the Oreo packages in the grocery store to make them healthier…Enjoy!

wants to remind everyone- it’s not really the size of the boat, or the motion of the ocean, but whether the boat is able to stay in port until all passangers have gotten off.

isn’t letting people drive her crazy when she knows its within walking distance.

is asking Santa to define ‘good’.

hates her internal clock. It doesn’t have a snooze button, and it hurts to throw herself across the room.

bought herself a new roll-on deodorant today. Instructions said ‘Take off top and push up bottom’….she won’t be sitting down for a while, but her ass has never been fresher.

is childish. No she’s not, yes she is, no she’s not, yes she is.

hates it when people steal her ideas before she thinks of them.

says exaggerations went up a million percent this past year.

thinks it’s funny to watch people who drive Hummers, swerve to avoid potholes…

would like to observe a moment of silence for all the innocent brain cells that lost their lives over the weekend.

is thinking men should come with a carfax…

is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.

thought she had a good tan…until she took a shower.

is on your mind at this very moment.

may contain traces of nuts.

used to think the rhythm was gonna get her…

This is a test of the facebook emergency notification system. Had this been an actual emergency, the entire message would have been in capital letters and you would have been directed to post this as your status message immediately. This is only a test.

is not allowed to use metaphors anymore. It’s like an applesauce sandwich trying to embrace a Yeti. Know what I mean?

Attention Ladies: if a fat man snatches you up and puts you in a bag, don’t worry, it’s just Santa collecting his ho’s for Christmas….btw I’m texting you from his bag now.

is wondering who else has bought square presents because they’re easier to wrap?

So hydrogen is an explosive gas and oxygen supports combustion, yet combined forms water, which is used to put out fires…hmmmm….

would like to buy a vowel.

would write you a love song…unlike that Sara Bareilles chick.

thinks that wishing her pets could talk is fun….until she remembers everything she’s ever done in front of them.

just wants someone to tell her how Facebook ends so she doesn’t have finish all this reading….

There it is, a week in the life of a superhero. It’s a long day, the tights are uncomfortable, a lot of working with villain motifs. Well, time’s a-wasting, and evil’s out there making handcrafted mischief for the swap meet of villainy. And you can’t strike a good deal with evil, no matter how much you haggle. We don’t…

Well, once again we find that clowning and anarchy don’t mix.

doesn’t know the meaning of the word “surrender”. I mean, I know it, I’m not dumb…just not in this context.

Today’s Word Of The Day: Dénouement- that’s French for “when we beat up the super villain.”

wants to start a women’s magazine called “Period”….some months she’ll send it out late just to freak out her subscribers.

Five blondes walk into a bar….you would have thought one of them would have seen it.

just saw the little devil from her left shoulder drop kick the little angel off her right shoulder….this can’t be good.

could really use those backup dancers right about now.

is not crazy. Crazy is repeatedly throwing Skittles at the Wal-Mart cashier and screaming, “Taste the rainbow, Biotch!”…technically she only did that once.

wonders: If you eat Smarties and Dum Dum’s at the same time, does it even out?

is acting her shoe size…that would be 6…so nanny nanny boo boo!

‘s mind has always been her Achilles’ heel…

would like to take this time, to apologize in advance, for the poor choices she will be making this weekend.

is not superstitious, just a little stitious.

follows the rules sometimes…usually it’s when she’s not aware of what the rules are.

is betting that if there is a road to hell, it probably looks just like a Walmart parking lot.

Three blondes walk into a bar. I was one of them. I don’t remember anything else.

At least after I die, they will look through my portfolio of Facebook status updates and see that my life was not wasted.

Honesty is my default setting. If you would prefer me to blow smoke up your ass, please reset your options in the user interface.

Thinks that instantaneous Karma would be pretty damn entertaining.

Remember: If a cop asks for your license and registration, just flat out say “No, you’re not stealing my identity”.

If you ever offer me a piece of bacon and I turn it down, shoot me in the head because an alien is wearing me as a meat suit.

They say it takes a whole village to raise a child, but no one ever tells you what it’s called or how to get there…

Some people may call it a family vacation, but I prefer to think of it as ongoing professional development that furthers my expertise in the field of insanity.

just said “peek-a-boo” to someone in the bathroom stall next to her. She’s pretty sure that person was terrified for a second.

Apparently the forklifts at Home Depot are “not meant for racing and for employee use only”. They should really get a sign…

loves you all so much right now because… well… alcohol.

thinks her coffee is broken.

is wishing you wouldn’t take such steamy showers…it fogs her camera.

Remember to smile…it suppresses the gag reflex. 🙂

is talking into her portable fan….Luuuke I am your faaatherrrrrr…

is taking something to bed that’s hard, black, and lights up when she touches it……come on its her laptop….heh heh heh. 😉

 

• I love Yoga class. You can close your eyes and imagine yourself in a relaxing place…like in your bed not doing yoga.
• The parallel universe version of me must be having a terrific day.
• Daylight savings is the lamest form of time travel.
• Nothing says “mentally ill and loving it” like a car window filled with stuffed animals.
• Will somebody pleeeease give Mother Nature some chocolate!
• The amount of fun I have on a night out is directly proportional to the number of items I cannot locate the next day.
• I don’t speak German but I drink it fluently.
• I’m going out tonight because the Beastie Boys fought, and nearly died for my right…to party.
• Pandora tells me what music to listen to, Netflix tells me what movies to watch…Refrigerator, why are you such a slacker?
• The amount of sleep required by the average person is just five minutes more…
• Thinks they should make a vodka chapstick
• ( . )Y( . ) ……get your mind out the gutter, its only Homer Simpsons eyes.
• My Butt is dying to give America a message. I’ve agreed to let it just this once. Go ahead Butt: Uuuuuhaadfggdsdfgksdkksdhjfkgg
• Learned some French! Check this out: Fruch Meavu Wersay….wait, I might just be drunk…
• Advice of the Day: Don’t be a douche
• Needs to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
• It’s 2:45am…do you know where your pants are? How about mine?
• is really dreading the day I have to color my hair. I mean, thats gonna take like at least 12 Sharpies.
• Ok, tonight are we having some drinks, or are we havin’ some DRANKS? I need to dress appropriately.
• Knows some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
• thinks life should come with more opportunities to shove people’s faces in cake.
• misses having kids in diapers if only for the fact that there was always a constant supply of diaper rash cream for the mornings after Mexican food.
• wishes all of life’s decisions were as simple as going to Denny’s when you’re s**t faced.
• I’ve always been taught to be patient, but now I’m worried that I’m just encouraging idiots to waste my time.
• Sure you can use my status updates…but just so you know, I lick every single one before I post them.
• My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
• They should play porn on gas station pump tv’s so you can watch someone else get screwed at the same time.
• It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach. A human hair can hold 3kg. The length of a p$nis is 3 times the length of the thumb. The femur is as hard as concrete. A woman’s heart beats faster then a man’s. Women blink 2x as much as men. We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand. A woman has read this entire post. A man is still looking at his thumb.
• Just signed all of you up for free samples of Astroglide.
• Somehow managed to get chocolate inside my shoe….and somehow mustered the bravery to figure out if it was chocolate.
• Needs an audio track of crickets chirping so I can play it after someone says something stupid to me…
• Just realized that I’m still “it” from a game of flashlight tag in 1982.
• Tonight’s Forecast: Snow Flurries with a 99.9% chance of alcohol.
• What’s the one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning… their husband.
• is wondering if that’s snow outside or if Amy Winehouse just sneezed?
• Just discovered, that I’m really good at hiding things….from myself.
• If I had a dollar, for every time I said the “F” word, I’d have a whole lotta F’ing cash right now…
• In case you missed it, here’s what an eclipse looks like:  ●
• Top criteria for picking a name for your kid… it’s something you won’t mind saying a BILLION times.
• Top criteria for picking your wife/husband… nice butt… because you will see it every day and night for the rest of your life.
•  Just coughed, sneezed, and farted at the same time…I think I traveled 3 seconds into the future.
• Today is my favorite day of the week to be melodramatic about what day of the week it is.
• You win some, you lose some…you lose a few more, you borrow cash from a loan shark, and OH GOD, THEY’RE HERE FOR THE MONEY!!
• There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
• According to my nipples, I’m freezing!
• It’s whiter outside than a Pat Boone concert!
• Proposes a new day of the week called “Someday”…just think of all the awesome stuff that would happen on it.